An Honest Life

Maybe I say it because it calms me, takes care of the questions without answers, and allows me comfort in the unknown. But I still believe that we are exactly where we need to be during every single moment. Perfection is always there but our doubt does a good job disguising it.

Where I am now is creating a disconnect that I'm not used to. Believing that I am on a mission to find my purpose in this world, that I am on the great adventure of self discovery, has caused a vast space between myself and all the people I know.

I intended to make this rant come out more clearly than it is. I am distracted by the thought of tomorrow, wondering about the possibilities of today, and lost in a world that is keeping me alone.

Unable to live up to even the smallest of expectations from those close to me, I feel like I am walking alone down a foggy road that will hopefully lead me to where I need to be. I wonder if I am giving up, letting myself down, and just saying that nobody gets it because everything could change tomorrow.

Maybe not. Maybe the combination of finishing college, the sunless Vermont winter, and the plans of traveling have placed me in a mindset that can't be broken.

Either way, it's time to be honest with those in my life. It's time to be honest with myself. I'm leaving Vermont, not going back to live in New Jersey, and going until I find what I am looking for. Each year produces changes, each day gives us a different perspective, but the life that I know is on the cusp of a great revolution.

Maybe I won't find anything other than the realization that I've done it all wrong. It could just be a subconscious tactic that tells me to pursue the unknown, while keeping me from a consistent state of happiness. Then again, I'm not sure that happiness can exist consistently. As life changes with each breath, so do the emotions that accompany each moment.

Life is speckled with great moments of beauty and sadness. The rest is just a series of seconds driven by choice. I choose to wander. It could just be the time in my life, or maybe it is destiny, but I don't think home will ever be a place I stay in for long.

The bright world of possibilities is my greatest love. The wind is my greatest companion. My mind is the world I wish to discover. The determination is powerful enough to take me away from all that I know and lead me on a journey towards a greater understanding. Whether I find it or not, I'll walk all along with hope as my guide.

The winter will end and spring will be reborn. I'll change my opinions on what it all means a thousand times between now and then. Still, this is my way of living life as honestly as I know how. At the end of the day, when I'm alone and wondering,I always find a moment to be okay with where I am.

I don't know much. There aren't many decisions I have made. God and love may remain mysteries that I may never solve. My path could give me great pain but, if all that I've learned is true, the journey will provide me with the freedom to live the dream I can't keep ignoring.

I'm lost and loving it, mad and inspired, determined and distant. Friends grow and change, lovers leave and stay, but the people in my life who know me will understand that I am doing exactly what I must. It's the only way. Inspire others, be alive in the moment, free yourself to every opportunity, and live life honestly. At the end of it all, I'll at least be able to say that I've followed my heart. I hope we can all say that, no matter what, we've done the best we could to be true to ourselves.