Presently I am outside of Augusta, ME in a little house with rolling fields behind it. It is quiet here and the chill from outside finds a way to creep through the walls in certain spots. There may be some sort of bland existence present right now but I have no desire to be a part of it. This is simple and I don't really know how to say what I feel. There are emotions raging through me from past pain, recent loss, and this sense of loneliness that has come to fill the hollow space next to my heart. My good friend sent me a text message last night saying that he thinks I understand him and that he understands me. Well no shit brother. We are family and have been for years. There are friends and then there are brothers. There wasn't a day in our lives when this guy was just a friend. He has always been a brother. So why the doubt? Or the need to reassure me of this truth via text message? Have things gotten that bad in New Jersey? There is not always time for outside reassurance. I am in Maine. Therefore, I must rely on my mind and the golden fields stretching past the backyard. Well Ted, the feeling is mutual. We both are understanding of both being understanding of each other. Lets just simplify this. We are brothers.
There is a pretty heavy cynical tone I am feeling through these words. I'm not happy to see this feeling present. Then again, this is the chain reaction of emotion in action. Not being happy about this makes it worse, or perhaps it gives me the ability to look down at my clicking fingers and wonder what I could possibly not like about this. This act is not lacking pleasure, but the motivations behind it are not pure. There are other things to do before I can continue on about the travels through Maine and the journey home tonight. If I don't take care of those little tasks I may not have the opportunity to connect with myself and transcribe this moment.
Just give me some time. Give yourself some time. Lets reconnect in a few when the sun has risen beyond the hills and ignited all that is beautiful in the world. Until then....
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Bad descisions can have good outcomes
Twelve hours of the bustling city followed by a crowded train ride home where the conductor apologizes for the over packed cars and refers to this as 'meet your neighbor night' on the Bergen County Main Line. I fall asleep and drop my ticket on the floor only to wake at my stop unaware of whether or not a conductor had even checked to see the pass. What a good night to be a stowaway on the commuter line. The exhaustion in my eyes was not accepted by my mind. Although it was late and I was tired, I was determined to head back to Vermont the moment I got back to my car.
I stopped by to say goodbye to some of my friends at The Office, refusing to park and go in because of the strange moments where everyone pretends they care what everyone else has been up to. Then I hit the road with a consistent speed after stopping to get gas and a bottle of wine. The liqueur stores would be closed when I arrived home and wine might be needed to calm my mind after a long day. Then I made the decision to take some caffeine pills that I bought at the liqueur store. This was the beginning of a wonderful experience where I learned the value of checking the labels on medication. An hour into the trip I was on a high produced by the effects of caffeine that equaled eight cups of coffee. There was nothing to do but turn up the music and continue driving.
There are very few ways to speed up a trip like this. First, you can drive at reckless high speeds and hope that you don't get snared by the radar gun of a state trooper. Second, you can control your liquid intake and avoid momentary stops at all costs. I decided to do both. A consistent speed of seventy five miles an hour, not reckless but just fast enough to pick up a few minutes each hour, and a dry mouth where my caffeine stimulated jaw clacked the whole way. This was working out well and left me with a projected travel time of just under six hours. Then, I realized that taking a bunch of caffeine pills was not the only bad decision I had made.
The rain came down quickly and within minutes I began to notice the white build ups on the side of the road. Maybe it was the caffeine, or perhaps it was the effect of an exhausted mind, but I believed for a minute that what I was looking at was salt that had been spread out in a pre-emptive show of force against the coming snow. Then I began to consider that snow didn't often form three inch high piles on the edges of the lanes. I slowed down and hit a moment on the road where the temperature changed from almost cold enough to just cold enough. The snow was spread over the road and above a fine layer of black ice. My consistent speed and lack of liquids could do nothing to help me now. I puttered along at thirty miles an hour hoping that my snow tires would hold the road and keep me safe.
The snow continued and blizzard conditions arrived. Ah, the Adirondacks at midnight with a white out accompanied by winds that threatened to push my car into the crowded ditch. Every few moments I saw another disabled vehicle, stopped and offered help, then pulled away to find the next. On a gentle upward slope three tractor trailers were jack knifed and stuck in the middle of the two lane highway. Police were stopped near by and their blue lights reflected off of the snow in silence. I reached a point where I was unsure whether or not the road was closed so I rolled down the window and waited for the trooper to roll down his. He motioned with his finger to go around and I drive through the non-plowed shoulder around the staggered cargo vehicles before making into a clearing. There was no one else on the road and I realized that I wouldn't be in a good spot if I was to lose control. The possibility of death became a reality and I welcomed the challenge.
This sort of mentality comes to me in the winter when I snow shoe. Snow shoeing, as we can all tell, is not really an extreme sport by itself. So with the hopes of finding one of the many adventures that await us in every moment I often will jump off of small cliffs, take different paths, and walk over frozen rivers to get the adrenaline shooting through my heart. Then I transform a pleasant walk in a winter wonderland into my very own K2 experience that may cause me to loose a limb from frostbite. Intense. I love it.
So the road stayed bad and even got worse when I reached the point where the plow trucks called it quits. I took the exit and began my twenty mile an hour journey over the last edge of the Adirondacks towards Vermont. My only fear at this point was that the bridge would be closed. It wasn't and after I entered Vermont I began to scream wildly with the windows open in celebration. The car slid to the right a little sending the back end into a friendly flutter before I gained control once again. I cursed myself for almost losing it after going so far without an incident. The commentary of a long solo drive is quite interesting and allows one true insight into the parts of the personality that we hide. I was quite vulgar in my expression of malice towards myself for losing focus for that split second.
Of course the roads clear for the last hour of the journey. There would be no fun in a snowy drive down the roads that I know well. No. It would be much more fun to get that winter blast when heading through curvy mountain passes with potholes that could easily swallow one of my tires whole. So it was four am when I pulled into my town which was amidst a planned black out for some construction purpose. I notice the completely black structures as I slow down and turn my headlights off. There was enough light from the stars and moon beyond the clouds to light my path through main street in Johnson. It is always when I am about to pull into my driveway that I realize how I have developed a sick desire to keep going in the hopes of finding another story, another moment where my life is at stake, another time when I can bask in the glory of a bad decision. Then I realize that there is always tomorrow.
Then tomorrow turned to today and I have once again made a beautiful mistake. This was supposed to be homework time. I did a little writing for one of my stories scheduled to be in next weeks paper before putting on the tunes and telling you this story. Don't go driving through mountain blizzards or putting off homework to create unless you are prepared to enjoy making the wrong choice. Developing this skill has left me with the exciting knowledge that even the mistakes we make in life are as full of intention as the conscious decisions. Close your eyes and lean back. You never know what could happen.
I stopped by to say goodbye to some of my friends at The Office, refusing to park and go in because of the strange moments where everyone pretends they care what everyone else has been up to. Then I hit the road with a consistent speed after stopping to get gas and a bottle of wine. The liqueur stores would be closed when I arrived home and wine might be needed to calm my mind after a long day. Then I made the decision to take some caffeine pills that I bought at the liqueur store. This was the beginning of a wonderful experience where I learned the value of checking the labels on medication. An hour into the trip I was on a high produced by the effects of caffeine that equaled eight cups of coffee. There was nothing to do but turn up the music and continue driving.
There are very few ways to speed up a trip like this. First, you can drive at reckless high speeds and hope that you don't get snared by the radar gun of a state trooper. Second, you can control your liquid intake and avoid momentary stops at all costs. I decided to do both. A consistent speed of seventy five miles an hour, not reckless but just fast enough to pick up a few minutes each hour, and a dry mouth where my caffeine stimulated jaw clacked the whole way. This was working out well and left me with a projected travel time of just under six hours. Then, I realized that taking a bunch of caffeine pills was not the only bad decision I had made.
The rain came down quickly and within minutes I began to notice the white build ups on the side of the road. Maybe it was the caffeine, or perhaps it was the effect of an exhausted mind, but I believed for a minute that what I was looking at was salt that had been spread out in a pre-emptive show of force against the coming snow. Then I began to consider that snow didn't often form three inch high piles on the edges of the lanes. I slowed down and hit a moment on the road where the temperature changed from almost cold enough to just cold enough. The snow was spread over the road and above a fine layer of black ice. My consistent speed and lack of liquids could do nothing to help me now. I puttered along at thirty miles an hour hoping that my snow tires would hold the road and keep me safe.
The snow continued and blizzard conditions arrived. Ah, the Adirondacks at midnight with a white out accompanied by winds that threatened to push my car into the crowded ditch. Every few moments I saw another disabled vehicle, stopped and offered help, then pulled away to find the next. On a gentle upward slope three tractor trailers were jack knifed and stuck in the middle of the two lane highway. Police were stopped near by and their blue lights reflected off of the snow in silence. I reached a point where I was unsure whether or not the road was closed so I rolled down the window and waited for the trooper to roll down his. He motioned with his finger to go around and I drive through the non-plowed shoulder around the staggered cargo vehicles before making into a clearing. There was no one else on the road and I realized that I wouldn't be in a good spot if I was to lose control. The possibility of death became a reality and I welcomed the challenge.
This sort of mentality comes to me in the winter when I snow shoe. Snow shoeing, as we can all tell, is not really an extreme sport by itself. So with the hopes of finding one of the many adventures that await us in every moment I often will jump off of small cliffs, take different paths, and walk over frozen rivers to get the adrenaline shooting through my heart. Then I transform a pleasant walk in a winter wonderland into my very own K2 experience that may cause me to loose a limb from frostbite. Intense. I love it.
So the road stayed bad and even got worse when I reached the point where the plow trucks called it quits. I took the exit and began my twenty mile an hour journey over the last edge of the Adirondacks towards Vermont. My only fear at this point was that the bridge would be closed. It wasn't and after I entered Vermont I began to scream wildly with the windows open in celebration. The car slid to the right a little sending the back end into a friendly flutter before I gained control once again. I cursed myself for almost losing it after going so far without an incident. The commentary of a long solo drive is quite interesting and allows one true insight into the parts of the personality that we hide. I was quite vulgar in my expression of malice towards myself for losing focus for that split second.
Of course the roads clear for the last hour of the journey. There would be no fun in a snowy drive down the roads that I know well. No. It would be much more fun to get that winter blast when heading through curvy mountain passes with potholes that could easily swallow one of my tires whole. So it was four am when I pulled into my town which was amidst a planned black out for some construction purpose. I notice the completely black structures as I slow down and turn my headlights off. There was enough light from the stars and moon beyond the clouds to light my path through main street in Johnson. It is always when I am about to pull into my driveway that I realize how I have developed a sick desire to keep going in the hopes of finding another story, another moment where my life is at stake, another time when I can bask in the glory of a bad decision. Then I realize that there is always tomorrow.
Then tomorrow turned to today and I have once again made a beautiful mistake. This was supposed to be homework time. I did a little writing for one of my stories scheduled to be in next weeks paper before putting on the tunes and telling you this story. Don't go driving through mountain blizzards or putting off homework to create unless you are prepared to enjoy making the wrong choice. Developing this skill has left me with the exciting knowledge that even the mistakes we make in life are as full of intention as the conscious decisions. Close your eyes and lean back. You never know what could happen.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thoughts of Christmas in a lasting Yoga bliss...
Maybe it's too early to think of Christmas day but there is never enough time between the end of the fall and that fantastic morning where nothing feels better than the warmth of a fire and the company of loved ones. I am the type who begins to play carols after Thanksgiving and I make sure to keep them on repeat straight through Christmas until New Years day when I grudgingly retire the Cd's until the next year. Presently, I am blessed to be typing these words with an evening view of the skyline from the corner of 23rd and Eighth. My father plays the piano. Rudolph plays with his added flair. I can feel the drama in every note his hands play. He is like me in that sense. Even the simplest moments and melodies can be jazzed up with a Raeburn flair.
I am brought back to the past with these melodies and thoughts of celebrating music at all times of the year. Often we would get together, family and friends, to stand behind my father playing the piano singing show tunes and whatever else could be rocked by our off pitch chorus. Bliss in imperfection. We all sucked but it felt fantastic during those brief moments when we actually harmonized. All we needed was one note sang beautifully by all at once before we could delve back into an off beat ear plugging kind of melody that dog's wouldn't even bother howling to.
Yoga this afternoon, followed by sushi at a restaurant frequented by Ethan Hawk. He often sits alone, with a hooded sweatshirt, and apparently he spends much of his time while dining texting. I wonder if he got the shrimp avocado role like me? Well, he would have when he saw me eating it. I can see it now. "Well look at that. I didn't know Alex Raeburn eats here." Of course I believe that he might be just as thrilled to meet me as I would be to meet him. Then again, he wouldn't know me yet, but I could simply introduce myself as someone he will know soon and offer to share a bottle of sake with him. It would be a mutual privilege, the way every human interaction is. Two masters of art. One already famous, the other ready to shoot out from behind the curtains with a mad dash towards the world of recognition. It may be a bit arrogant but without a touch of that spice the biggest dreams will always remain out of reach. So Ethan, I look forward to the bottle of Sake and the conversation that will follow.
Now we are brought down to a much more calm level with a melody that is haunting and simple. Oh Tannenbaum plays loudly until he stops playing and hums the rest, eager to move onto the next piece. I can hear the pages turning and the excitement building as he chooses what will come next. Is this chop sticks? Well even if isn't I will imagine it is. Play it again and we'll see what else this song can be.....
Ok, back to yoga. What a beautiful experience with the support and love of strangers. It was on the third floor of a building sticking up below all the others located near Broadway. The walls were pink and purple and the woman played a harmonium. If you don't know what this is, just take my word for it when I say it's amazing. I will say no more than that about this fantastic instrument. Except this of course. Sell your TV and buy a harmonium. You will not regret it.
The class lifted my spirits and my mood, as well as my legs above my head in an awkward way that I thought might cause me to implode. But I didn't thankfully and if I had I would have missed the finally of Om being chanted and the harmonium blasting at equal volume. I think there must be a harmonium in heaven and there has to be yoga.
One more song. I asked and he obliges. So I guess now I have an opportunity to finish this and bring it about to a fascinating conclusion that will give you some of that insight I claim to be able to offer. Um, can I pass? I am not always ready to be in the spotlight, even if that spotlight is the final paragraph of a blog that nobody is going to read, but hey I'll give you something for coming this far. The melody changes and with a sped up tempo I am reminded that if I lean forward and look right I can see the empire state building. This means that an unreal height, which can be achieved by anyone who has twenty dollars, is available within walking distance. I won't go there but the awareness that it is available if I choose to take that walk is just as powerful.
Maybe Ethan Hawk is sitting up there right now in a hooded black sweatshirt, playing the harmonium, wondering where the next script will come from. Maybe he is looking for that new writer who has the guts to fail a thousand times and never stop. Maybe he is, or maybe he is just enjoying some take out sushi and the sound of the harmonium's melody floating through the New York skyline as the sun sets. Well Ethan, I have the sake waiting for you and bring the harmonium. We'll need it.
I am brought back to the past with these melodies and thoughts of celebrating music at all times of the year. Often we would get together, family and friends, to stand behind my father playing the piano singing show tunes and whatever else could be rocked by our off pitch chorus. Bliss in imperfection. We all sucked but it felt fantastic during those brief moments when we actually harmonized. All we needed was one note sang beautifully by all at once before we could delve back into an off beat ear plugging kind of melody that dog's wouldn't even bother howling to.
Yoga this afternoon, followed by sushi at a restaurant frequented by Ethan Hawk. He often sits alone, with a hooded sweatshirt, and apparently he spends much of his time while dining texting. I wonder if he got the shrimp avocado role like me? Well, he would have when he saw me eating it. I can see it now. "Well look at that. I didn't know Alex Raeburn eats here." Of course I believe that he might be just as thrilled to meet me as I would be to meet him. Then again, he wouldn't know me yet, but I could simply introduce myself as someone he will know soon and offer to share a bottle of sake with him. It would be a mutual privilege, the way every human interaction is. Two masters of art. One already famous, the other ready to shoot out from behind the curtains with a mad dash towards the world of recognition. It may be a bit arrogant but without a touch of that spice the biggest dreams will always remain out of reach. So Ethan, I look forward to the bottle of Sake and the conversation that will follow.
Now we are brought down to a much more calm level with a melody that is haunting and simple. Oh Tannenbaum plays loudly until he stops playing and hums the rest, eager to move onto the next piece. I can hear the pages turning and the excitement building as he chooses what will come next. Is this chop sticks? Well even if isn't I will imagine it is. Play it again and we'll see what else this song can be.....
Ok, back to yoga. What a beautiful experience with the support and love of strangers. It was on the third floor of a building sticking up below all the others located near Broadway. The walls were pink and purple and the woman played a harmonium. If you don't know what this is, just take my word for it when I say it's amazing. I will say no more than that about this fantastic instrument. Except this of course. Sell your TV and buy a harmonium. You will not regret it.
The class lifted my spirits and my mood, as well as my legs above my head in an awkward way that I thought might cause me to implode. But I didn't thankfully and if I had I would have missed the finally of Om being chanted and the harmonium blasting at equal volume. I think there must be a harmonium in heaven and there has to be yoga.
One more song. I asked and he obliges. So I guess now I have an opportunity to finish this and bring it about to a fascinating conclusion that will give you some of that insight I claim to be able to offer. Um, can I pass? I am not always ready to be in the spotlight, even if that spotlight is the final paragraph of a blog that nobody is going to read, but hey I'll give you something for coming this far. The melody changes and with a sped up tempo I am reminded that if I lean forward and look right I can see the empire state building. This means that an unreal height, which can be achieved by anyone who has twenty dollars, is available within walking distance. I won't go there but the awareness that it is available if I choose to take that walk is just as powerful.
Maybe Ethan Hawk is sitting up there right now in a hooded black sweatshirt, playing the harmonium, wondering where the next script will come from. Maybe he is looking for that new writer who has the guts to fail a thousand times and never stop. Maybe he is, or maybe he is just enjoying some take out sushi and the sound of the harmonium's melody floating through the New York skyline as the sun sets. Well Ethan, I have the sake waiting for you and bring the harmonium. We'll need it.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
5:00am in Ridgewood, NJ
A cold apartment in downtown Ridgewood, NJ
Sometimes emotions get the best of us. Then we have these wonderful opportunities to indulge in the love of our true friends. We can scream, cry, yell, or just sit in silence with those who just get it, no matter what the circumstances. Many have disagreed but I remain with the belief that many times it is our closest friends, those we have known for many years, who know us better that ourselves. This beauty comes from that collaborate consciousness that is humanity. Without the others, no individual would exist. If it was just me, that there would be nothing but that, nothing but that fear of being alone for eternity. Now I have realized that it is those who are closest who can bring us the possibility of release from the trap of solitude. This is beauty incarnate. This is real love.
Then, when we realize the beauty that a friend can provide our cell phone dies and the friend in the bedroom goes to sleep. This is when the soul comes through to keep the desperate company.
Am I desperate? Well not at the moment. I have my words to keep my company. Still, all is fleeting and this moment will fade like the rest. As the great Jack K. says, "home I'll never be."
Never get too comfortable to any moment. I begin this at five in the morning taking a few breaths between each word. Now I am here and the difference alone is fantastic. Just a momentary transition but this, like every acknowledged changing moment, leave us infinite possibilities. The sun will soon rise and the surrounding world will start again. I can see it now through the window on my left. Although the sky is black, the sun is getting ready to rise, and it will. It always does. On a distant mountain named Cadillac in Maine, the sun has already risen. This mountain standing gently over the nearby Atlantic Ocean, sees the first sun rise in this country. I've been there. I've seen it rise. I have held the grace and welcomed this country into a new day. Someone right now, or perhaps an hour ago did the same for me. If this is read as it is written than no worry would need to persist in the mind of anyone past right now. The day is new and the world has spun completely around. This is the infinite possibility of each moment and I refuse to let it go. Please join me. Grasp what your soul says is right, even if the consequences are insecurity or the horrible reality of the unknown. This is a necessary step. Security is a facade no matter what we think. If we believe that life is exact and that moments eventually flow to a steady pace, we may be living in the least prepared way possible. Be ready to smile at any time and the world is yours.
Sometimes emotions get the best of us. Then we have these wonderful opportunities to indulge in the love of our true friends. We can scream, cry, yell, or just sit in silence with those who just get it, no matter what the circumstances. Many have disagreed but I remain with the belief that many times it is our closest friends, those we have known for many years, who know us better that ourselves. This beauty comes from that collaborate consciousness that is humanity. Without the others, no individual would exist. If it was just me, that there would be nothing but that, nothing but that fear of being alone for eternity. Now I have realized that it is those who are closest who can bring us the possibility of release from the trap of solitude. This is beauty incarnate. This is real love.
Then, when we realize the beauty that a friend can provide our cell phone dies and the friend in the bedroom goes to sleep. This is when the soul comes through to keep the desperate company.
Am I desperate? Well not at the moment. I have my words to keep my company. Still, all is fleeting and this moment will fade like the rest. As the great Jack K. says, "home I'll never be."
Never get too comfortable to any moment. I begin this at five in the morning taking a few breaths between each word. Now I am here and the difference alone is fantastic. Just a momentary transition but this, like every acknowledged changing moment, leave us infinite possibilities. The sun will soon rise and the surrounding world will start again. I can see it now through the window on my left. Although the sky is black, the sun is getting ready to rise, and it will. It always does. On a distant mountain named Cadillac in Maine, the sun has already risen. This mountain standing gently over the nearby Atlantic Ocean, sees the first sun rise in this country. I've been there. I've seen it rise. I have held the grace and welcomed this country into a new day. Someone right now, or perhaps an hour ago did the same for me. If this is read as it is written than no worry would need to persist in the mind of anyone past right now. The day is new and the world has spun completely around. This is the infinite possibility of each moment and I refuse to let it go. Please join me. Grasp what your soul says is right, even if the consequences are insecurity or the horrible reality of the unknown. This is a necessary step. Security is a facade no matter what we think. If we believe that life is exact and that moments eventually flow to a steady pace, we may be living in the least prepared way possible. Be ready to smile at any time and the world is yours.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The beginning of the end........
Dear Readers,
The old life is over and today begins the new one. I am Alexander Nicholas Raeburn, a student of the school of life. The lessons life has given me have brought strength and hilarity to the developing perceptions I now firmly believe will be of use to some of you, or at least provide you with some entertainment.
I aspire to live my life in the most honest way possible, and I will do my best to tell you what kind of moments this philosophy can create. I will not only use this forum as a dialogue that anyone can read and respond to, but also as a place to post some of my short stories, poetry, and everything else that comes out of this strange mind through these fast moving fingers. I hope that you all enjoy what I write. I will be posting some of my new material soon. Until then....
Sincerely,
Alex aka Fester aka The Wandering Monk
The old life is over and today begins the new one. I am Alexander Nicholas Raeburn, a student of the school of life. The lessons life has given me have brought strength and hilarity to the developing perceptions I now firmly believe will be of use to some of you, or at least provide you with some entertainment.
I aspire to live my life in the most honest way possible, and I will do my best to tell you what kind of moments this philosophy can create. I will not only use this forum as a dialogue that anyone can read and respond to, but also as a place to post some of my short stories, poetry, and everything else that comes out of this strange mind through these fast moving fingers. I hope that you all enjoy what I write. I will be posting some of my new material soon. Until then....
Sincerely,
Alex aka Fester aka The Wandering Monk
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